This Christmas

Christmas for me is every day. As a Christian, that Jesus was born and died so I may have life, is a reality every day. It is not a one day occasion where I sit by a tree with family opening gifts. As such, the hoopla that surrounds Christmas associated with the secular purchasing of gifts, decorating and being in the "holiday" spirit is just not me.

Nevertheless, as the world celebrates a "holiday", I am given time to spend with my family and reflect on God's love, and how I can share that love with others. During this season, I get a heightened sense of fellowship with the people God has placed around me.

This year was my first Christmas away from my parents' home and in my own home with my husband and our 8 month old son. I always envisioned my first Christmas with my husband to be one filled with joy - especially since it is so close to our anniversary. Quite the contrary!

As a matter of fact, my husband and I haven't really been on speaking terms since Christmas Day. My cousins, sister and family friend came by the house late on Christmas Day and surprised us with a cake marked "Happy Anniversary". My husband was his usual self around them...pretended like no one was here and spent the time sitting solitary away from everyone in our bedroom. How rude! I hate it when he does that. Every time my family comes over, he always acts in a very standoffish manner. I hate it! I mean, even if he doesn't want to be around my family, he could at least be happy to be around me. We could at the very least "look" like a happy couple. For goodness sakes, we have only been married for less than a year! Isn't this supposed to be the honeymoon period?

They must all be saying they don't want to "end up" like me and it breaks my heart to think of it! It breaks my heart so much that I can't keep from crying as I write this. I remember saying as a child that I didn't want to end up like some couples I know...and now, I feel like I am worse off than those couples were at the time!

False Hopes

My husband and I attended a Couple’s Night put together by two of the Sunday School teachers at our church, who wanted to reach out to the newlywed couples in their class. We all gathered at the home of one of the couples and over a few appetizers, broke out into groups of husbands (who gathered together in one part of the house) and wives (who met together in another area). Our objectives were to “get real” about the difficulties faced in marriage, and how, as Christians we were to handle those challenges. It was a really great experience. And despite the fact that I was really sick with a horrible cold and didn’t contribute much in the way of conversation (for fear of spreading my germs), I gained a lot out of the experience.

I learned that I was not unique in facing some of the challenges that I met as a wife. I also learned several tools, in the way of communicating, to help me effectively interact with my husband. I was also reminded about God’s plan for marriage and His recommendations of being a good wife and husband. By the end of the night, the husbands and wives met in a focus group and shared the ideas that were discussed in each of the individual groups. It was really beautiful when each of the men presented their wives with a couple of roses.

Flash forward to not even a full week later and boom! We’re back at it again…

It didn’t take long for the honeymoon to come to an abrupt end again.

It all started when yesterday, out of what felt like nowhere, my husband was upset (with me?). I couldn’t understand what was wrong or what I had done to be met with such an attitude. That morning, he helped me bring the baby to the car and walked away, as opposed to us telling each other to have a great day like we usually do. When I honked to get him to come back, he looked at the car and walked away. When I honked again, he walked towards the driver’s side of the car and walked away, sucking his teeth when I asked him what was wrong. As I drove to work, it bothered me so much that I called him to ask him what was wrong and if I had done something to spark this sudden anger. He asked me if I knew I did something wrong. I told him I did not know what I had done, and he responded, “Okay then, well you did nothing!” I told him I wanted to nip everything in the bud and be open and upfront with him to find out what was going on. I also told him I wanted to earnestly apologize to him if I had done something to offend him. I got NOWHERE with that!

He came home from school in the evening and grumbled a “bon soir” or “Good Evening” to me. He then spent most of the night playing with the baby and speaking on the phone, while I spent the evening in silence.

Why?

Why do things have to always be this way?

Why can’t I be happy for a full week?

Could this mean that we were simply not meant to be happy? That despite attending what is the equivalent of a counseling session, we still can’t be on the same page?

I am starting to believe more and more that I have committed the biggest mistake of my life!

Notes on Happiness

Today is Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. It represents one of the biggest shopping days of the year in the US. My husband and I were getting ready to take advantage of the sales that are going on to purchase a much needed coat for him.

He just left and I am now sitting here at the computer crying.

I broke...

Literally...I felt as if I broke when he said to me, "You and I were not meant to be together." He reinforced it by saying that it didn't matter how much time we were together: 2 years, 20 years, 40 years...we would remain miserable and continue to argue because we simply were not supposed to be. How was I able to stand there with a straight face with a husband who ONCE AGAIN was telling me that we shouldn't be married.

What is one to do after that?

A simple conversation about the hardships of marriage in the first year, turned into a disagreement that resulted in him telling me that our marriage is a mistake.

Every smile, every stroke, every joke, every intimate moment feels like a farce...a fake...a make believe slice of happiness. How do I swallow that and continue on in this marriage? Lord help me!

Today's Feelings

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's just say I have been feeling that way since Sunday!

The Ride Called "Marriage"

Marriage, in my opinion, is the equivalent of a roller coaster ride with ups and downs, peaks and dips, highs and lows, loops and turns, acceleration and deceleration. At least in my marriage, anyway, I realize, we are never on one level playing field! We are never constantly bubbling with happiness, nor are we constantly at each others' throats. One day is good, another day is not so good.

Here's a perfectly good example. I can't help but notice that my husband tends to get an attitude for no reason at all (oddly always happens during the weekend, mostly on Sundays). We were having a great week (a high) and then BOOM! Out of nowhere, as we were in church, at my parents house after church having dinner, on the way back to our apartment, when we arrived at my apartment my husband proceeded to have this big attitude. Well, I exaggerate. The "big attitude" is him not speaking to me, ignoring me, having the appearance of being unhappy, him being very standoffish, snippy, and doing things that simply don't make sense to me. For example, about 15 minutes after we arrived at the church, with his coat still on, he takes the baby downstairs with no baby bag. He didn't say anything to me other than ask for me to step out of the way so he could get out of the pew. After about a minute or so, I proceeded to go downstairs to see what happened. When I get down there, some random person was holding the baby and he was no where to be seen. He steps out of the rest room about 2 minutes later. If he wanted to go to the rest room, why didn't he just give me the baby and go? When I asked him if everything was okay, he looked at me as if I had 4 eyes across my forehead. He then proceeded to take the baby and went back upstairs, as if I wasn't even there! Now, how should I react to my spouse who appears to be upset with me for reasons I simply do not know? How do I not become angered by it?

When we got to apartment today, he rushed out of the car and took the baby in his car seat. By the time I got to the door, he had already gone in without holding it for me, or leaving the door ajar. Because I had 3 other bags in my hand, I had to knock on the door for him to come back down and let me in. When I asked him why he didn't hold the door open, he responded it was because he thought I had the key. When we got upstairs, I asked him what was wrong and why was he having such an attitude all of a sudden. That opened a can of worms and he started to be sarcastic, saying, before he answers my question, he would like it if I could first answer his question about how he could go about being as perfect and "attitudeless" as I always am. Every attempt at having a conversation with him to find out what was really going on was met with sarcasm.

At that point, I felt as if I was ready to explode. This time, rather than get into an argument with him, I simply grabbed my bag and walked out of the door. I got back into my car and proceeded to drive aimlessly. I then decided to go to the movies and watch a movie that I knew he would never want to go see with me, so that I could forget about the whole situation. I mostly cried through The Secret Life of Bees. While I found the movie to have many sentimental, touching and outright sad scenes, I couldn't help but feel like I was crying about my own situation.

I returned home - ignore

I fried some plantains with meat for him to eat, although he took it and ate it, it was mostly - ignore

What a ride, my friends, what a ride. But don't roller coaster rides ultimately come to an end?

On Strike

I did something for the 1st time that I am now feeling totally guilty of! Yesterday, when I got off work, I met my sister for dinner at Rutgers, the college she currently attends. Since my husband didn't bother calling me, I didn't bother telling him I would be home late. He ended up getting home before me. And rather than doing what I usually do...running to prepare a meal for him to eat, I simply changed my clothes and hopped into bed. For that moment, I didn't care whether or not he had eaten. I didn't care if he was hungry. I didn't care if he was tired and had a long day. I felt so unappreciated the night before that I merely couldn't stand to lift a finger! But in the end, I felt so horrible...I felt SO wrong. He ended up frying eggs for dinner.

So the minute I stepped into the house today, I made two meals. One for him to eat immediately (and to bring to work) and one for tomorrow, in the event he were to get home early. I thought my not lifting a finger and being "on strike" for a day would be liberating. But it simply wasn't. It had the totally opposite effect.

He still isn't talking to me...despite my telling him, when he called me during my lunch hour, that I didn't like what was happening between us.

I continue to call upon the Lord to give me the energy, the patience, and the know-how to see this through. "Striking" simply won't do!

A Bad Day!

Oh the joys of having a BAD DAY! Yesterday was one of those days. To start it all off (after my husband totally ignored me before he went to work) I got a speeding ticket. The police in my neighborhood must have been having some sort of ticket blitz because these cops, who happened to be on foot, were simply pulling over car after car. When the one cop stopped me, he was in the process of signing off on another ticket. Not only can I not afford a ticket right now, I was in the process of thinking about changing my insurance carrier because I felt my premium was too high. Now with a moving violation, I'll never get a lower rate!!! I have no choice but to fight this ticket. While this cop has to meet his "quota", I cannot afford its consequences. This leads to one more thing I have to do - take a half day from work to deal with this nonsense!

Things have been so tough for me lately, and I feel this is the culmination of it all, especially with what feels like no support from my husband! Since he doesn't drive, I have to do all the shopping, picking up, and dropping off. It just gets so tiring when you are grocery shopping with a baby in tow and having to do so much alone. I am also mainly responsible for our finances, paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. I am constantly trying to juggle it all to keep our head above water. My husband simply doesn't seem to understand this at all. I have barely been able to keep us afloat lately. Money is getting tighter and everything from gas to groceries to baby formula is getting more expensive. It is just stressful, to be (what feels like) the only spouse who has to carry the burden of "trying to make ends meet".

Work is another stress factor. I was asked to assist in another location. Commuting to this branch alone is horrific, and actually having to undo a lot of the work that was haphazardly done there is challenging, to say the least.

I am still trying to master the art of being a full time mother, wife and employee. I didn't get out of the office until a little after 6:30PM. I ran to my mother's house, picked up the baby (who my sister had to go get for me since I was running late), grabbed some food for my husband and quickly drove home do some laundry for him, since he has been complaining he was running out of clean undershirts. I only had enough change to do one load. I thanked God the baby had fallen asleep. I ran and put him down, gathered my husband's clothes, grabbed the detergent and ran downstairs and out of the building into the laundry room. It didn't matter that he was acting so nastily towards me. I just feel as a wife, it is my duty to make sure my husband has clean undergarments, and a lack of it, is a poor reflection on me. A simple thank you would have brightened my day, but wasn't surprised when it didn't come.

Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, washing, changing diapers, feeding, balancing check books...aaaahhhhhhhhh!

Lord give me the strength to make it through each day. I am starting to get more and more exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. I am starting to have more and more "bad days"! Please do not let me drown in the burdens of life. It is your Word that tells me, "I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13) and your Word that tells me not to worry about life (Matt 6:25). Please help me to not merely know these verses and understand them, but to LIVE THEM!

Fatigue

I am literally tired!

Mentally, physically and emotionally tired!

Not to long ago, I was saying how things were on the up and up, but I realize this is one of those backward steps that we are taking right now!

My husband hasn't spoken to me since Sunday. Two days have already gone by. He was upset with me for something I said to him...something I consider to be a "slip of the tongue". On Sunday morning, he thought he would help me find an outfit for the baby to wear to church. He went into the closet and found the biggest suit, a size 3T that would fit a three year old (the baby is only 4 and 1/2 months) and came towards the baby with it. I asked him if he didn't happen to see how huge the suit was. It was like a knee jerk reaction. I hadn't intended on saying it out loud, knowing how sensitive my husband gets to things I say and takes everything as a personal attack of his character! But it was too late. He was already pissed.

He never stopped to tell me he was angry or that he didn't appreciate what I said, but it was already written all over his face and through is actions. He suddenly made the decision that he was no longer going to church. So I had to get the baby ready all by myself, bundle him up into the car seat, and lull the heavy car seat, baby bag, Bible, and everything else to church by myself.

That afternoon I had to purchase a play pen for the baby and go grocery shopping. I thought when I got back home, he would be here to help me bring it all up. He wasn't even home! Hadn't even bothered to tell me where he was going. So after dragging all of the heavy grocery bags, formula boxes, and the play pen upstairs, I was simply beat! I then proceeded to wash some of the baby's clothes and didn't stop until after my husband had come home a little close to midnight.

He didn't say good bye before he left, or speak to me during my lunch hour...all signs by now that he is really angry with me.

Measurements

Hmmm...it's been a while, since I've last written. Since this blog was mostly designed to release some of the frustrations I have been facing as a married woman, I suppose I haven't had the need to "release" lately because things between my husband and I have mostly been on the up and up. Yes, we've hit a few snafus from time to time, but I haven't experienced the stress that I wrote about not too long ago!

That lead me to thinking about how much progress we have made as husband and wife. What is progress? Does this mean that we have somehow passed the rocky stage that everyone speaks about? Have we emerged from the "rough waters"? It is difficult to measure that progress because for every few steps we take forward, I think we take a step or two back. I suppose when you are going through rough waters, the boat rocks back and forth and gets thrown from side to side before it actually gets anywhere! Hmmmm.....

Sunshine

Could this be the sunshine after the rain?

This morning, my husband woke me up with a kiss before he departed for work. It has been a while since he's done this. I can't even explain how much joy it put in my heart! I feel like a weight has been lifted and that the negative energy that has plagued our home for past few weeks has somehow been tossed out.

We went to church this evening and when I came home, despite being tired, I felt the urge to cook and sit down at the dining room table to eat with him. After he finished his meal, he was so appreciative, showering me with many a thanks. I breath a sigh of relief and in my heart, I lift a prayer of thanksgiving:

Thank you Lord for lifting this weight off my chest. Thank you for giving me the energy to show my husband that I did not want to continue in this vein. Thank you for changing his disposition. I pray that God will give me the patience, wisdom and understanding to be a supportive and loving wife.

Forwards and Backwards

It is 8PM. Despite making up with my husband last night, I haven't seen or heard from him since I dropped him off at the gym at around noon.

Is intimacy the equivalent of making up? I thought so. But am quickly realizing it is not. This morning, he casually told me as he was getting ready to head out that his cousin would be spending a night at our apartment. I didn't dare say, "...but why didn't you tell me sooner?" I don't want to be in the same boat I was in this time last week.

Is being a good wife, just keeping your mouth shut?

I called him multiple times during the day and he didn't pick up his phone. Why wouldn't he simply call me to tell me where he is?

I finally got through to him, after like the 5th call. He was giving me a long story about how the car he was in broke down. I asked him if his phone was broken too. He told me not to turn this into a big deal. So, I put on my "be a good wife and don't say anything" hat. I won't mention it again.

I don't know if I am coming or going in this relationship. I just don't get it. Funny I should think we were moving forward, when he is now doing things he has never done before!

I sigh in frustration...

At My Wits End

My husband's phone is disconnected. He seems to be in no rush to have it turned back on. So whenever I ask him why he hasn't called me, his reply is, "I don't have a phone." I suppose it is easier to come up with that, than to say, "I just don't want to speak to you."

I am sitting here at the computer, hand over forhead, mulling over this whole situation in my mind. I still can't seem to understand how I got here! Lord, where did I go wrong???

I am starting to dread going home.

At work, I think about having to go home to face my husband. I play different scenarios over and over in my head. Sometimes, the scenario is: Okay, today I'm going to wait until he walks into the door, pull him towards me and kiss him. Tell him that I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want to not speak to him anymore and tell him over and over how much I love him. Sometimes, the scenario is: Okay, once he walks into the door, bombard him with questions. Ask him if he missed me, if he thought about me today, if he is ready to put all of this behind us and start over...ask what he wants me to change to make things better. But often times, nothing comes to anything. I end up lingering at my mom's house with the baby until very late. I am now the one who is walking into the house at a later hour. Today, I knock on the door with the baby in tow and he opens it. I say, "Comment ou ye?" OR "How are you doing?" in Creole. He grumbles something unintelligible back to me and goes for straight for the baby, asking him how his day was instead. All the scenarios get tossed out of my mind...I can't bring myself to do any of them.

I put out the garbage today. My husband usually takes it out, but after seeing that he hadn't touched it in two days, I asked him to please put it out...especially after seeing a gi-normous bug that resembled a HUGE cockroach in the kitchen at around two o'clock in the morning as I was warming up a bottle for the baby. This was the first "creature" I've seen in our apartment since we moved here in December. My request managed to fall on deaf ears. Not wanting to have my apartment turn into a bug magnet, I took matters into my own hands and took it out myself.

I am so tired of this routine.

I don't know how much more I can take.

For better or for worse...in sickness and in health...'til death do us apart...these are the words I uttered as a vow before God, my family and friends.

Lord help me navigate my way through this storm, that I may uphold my commitment!

Uncertainty

I found this picture on my hard drive. It is a photograph of a flower shaded in blue (nearly the same shade of blue I selected as my wedding color). This flower, actually graced the cover of our wedding program. At the time I selected the flower, I was filled with such certainty: a certainty that I was marrying a good man, a certainty that everything was working out so well, a certainty that like this picture captured in space in time, my marriage would last forever! Flash forward 7 months, 20 days and some odd hours, and my husband and I aren't even on speaking terms.

The funny thing is, I was recently looking at myself in relation to my coworkers, many of whom were experiencing marital woes, and saying to myself, whew, Thank God I am so much better off. There is this one girl who, based on the interaction she shares with us between herself and her husband, left me questioning, "Why she even bother getting married in the first place!" I gathered that the "poor girl" was miserable based on what she had shared with us and commented over and over to myself (and others who also heard the stories) how "sorry" I felt for her.

Another girl, shared with me that she recently became a born again Christian, and her husband, who is not born again, is resenting her for her sudden "change". I was encouragaing her and reaching out in prayer on her behalf due to the fact that he was making her miserable because he, and I quote, "did not sign up for this Christian thing" with her.

Another young lady stated she has been married for nearly 10 years, and literally "hated" her husband for the first 7 years of her marriage. She said he would go out on business trips a lot and she would simply love it, because the more time he was away, the happier she was. While she claims to be happier now, and "in love" with her husband again, he has yet to make a decision on "having children" with her, which he will not even consider until "next year". Tsk, tsk. I said to myself. I am so much better off. These poor, miserable, people. Now all of my certainties have transformed into uncertainties:

I don't know why my husband has yet to wear his wedding band.

I don't know why he has suddenly decided to join a gym and come home late in the evening every night.

I don't know why, because of a stupid little argument, he has stopped calling me throughout the day to find out how I am doing.

I don't know why he told me he would have divorced me if he was not a quote on quote Christian man.

I don't know when my husband and I will even be on speaking terms, much less enjoying the marital bliss that we briefly shared.

I don't know if I will make it through this situation. And even if I do, I don't know if things will be the same between us.

Advice I Didn't Adhere To

1. When having a disagreement, take a breather, walk away.

2. In the heat of an argument, don't blurt out hurtful things, because you can't take them back

3. Do not raise your voice when having an exchange

4. Never go to bed angry

5. Never sleep in separate beds out of anger

6. Don't be hesitant to be the "bigger person" even when you know you are right

7. Don't harbor anger and resentment...let it go!

I have broken all seven of these genuine pieces of advice and am certainly reaping the benefits. I feel like my marriage is totally spiraling out of control and I have no way of getting it back on track.

As a Christian, prayer should be your first option. But I have not been able to do so. I have been finding it more and more difficult for me to pray, specifically about my marriage. Then in the midst of crying and feeling raw pain, I cry out to God saying, "Help me!" And then I start to feel guilty about calling on God to help me at such a time, when I haven't been able to pray to Him about this on a regular basis. Then my mind starts to veer into that dreadful place...the place that tells me that this is ALL a punishment---punishment for having pre-marital sex. I mean, what else could it be. My husband just told me yesterday that if it wasn't the fact that I allegedly "convinced" him to marry me when I found out I was pregnant, he wouldn't have done so. Could he have possibly said that out of simple anger? Could that be really lingering in his mind?

The thought of being with a person who really didn't want to be with me in the first place is unbearable! I am having visions of a miserable existence for the rest of my human life...

Why couldn't I just walk away...again?
What harm would there have been in my saying, "ok baby" and biting my tongue...again?
Why did I have to resort to calling him "hard headed" and "lacking in understanding"?
Why didn't I have the patience to not raise my voice in anger...again?
Why couldn't I have have simply "shrugged it off" and made love to him that night, rather than turn a cold shoulder?
Why couldn't I have simply been "the bigger person" and told him that he was right and I was wrong? I could have simply asked him to forgive me for getting upset!
Why couldn't I just let go?

The advice sounded simple enough. After each spat, I ask myself these questions and come up short every time! No one ever said, marriage was easy, but .... and I quiver as i right this... did it have to be this hard?

He didn't wear his ring today...again.

When my lunch hour had come and gone, and I noticed he hadn't called me, I called him and asked him, why he hadn't worn his ring. His reply: "I forgot". He then ventured to tell me we could talk about it later since he was so busy at work.

But later never came.

He came home very late and mumbled "bon soir" ("good evening" in French) to me. He then washed his hands, took the baby from me, and proceeded to play with our son, asking my 3 month old if he had a good day.

When I saw him brushing his teeth, I asked him if he had eaten and he said he ate at his mother's house. That was the last words he's spoken to me since.

This is so painful. I am trying to cope. I am trying to deal. I don't know which way to turn.

I came across the following verse today:
"It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel." Proverbs 20:3

Lord, why am I such a fool?

Crushed!

Yesterday, in the heat of a dispute, my husband says to me, "If I were not a Christian man, I would divorce you." The daggers, didn't stop there. He continued with, "I didn't even want to marry you!"

"Why?" I shouted back, "Why did you marry me?". His reply: "I allowed you to play with my mind and convince me to do so."

I felt like I had just been hit by a roadside bomb filled with shards of glass, metal and everything that is capable of tearing through flesh straight to the heart.

Now I cannot be one-sided here. I did play a major part in the argument that led up to those words that cut deep through me like a double edged sword. He was upset at the fact I said he was "hard-headed" and that he lacked "understanding". I said this to him because he casually walks into my bedroom yesterday morning to tell me he had made an appointment with our attorney on the morning of September 30th...the same day as my sister's 21st birthday party...my sister, who is a lifesaver to us right now, babysitting our son on a daily basis for free while my mother is out of town. In essence, all I wanted to get through to him was that, before making the decision of making an appointment that I would have to drive him to (since he doesn't drive), he should have told me!!! He claims he did. He did tell me that he was calling the attorney, but he did not tell me it was to make an appointment in two weeks. Once again, I should have had the forsight to ask him what specifically he was calling the attorney for. But I did not. I didn't think it would lead up to this!

He hasn't worn his wedding band in over a week.

He caught the bus to church this morning.

Oh how my heart is filled with sorrow. If only they knew. If only the people who are constantly telling me how happy they are for me knew! If only my parents and sisters and beloved friends knew that the exterior ear-to-ear smile that is spread across my face only masks a deeply broken heart. If only they knew the hardships that I am facing in my marriage right now...an essentially new marriage, since we haven't even been married for a full 9 months yet.

How did I get here? How did I get to this place where I feel like an inadequate wife? I feel hated! I feel unloved!

I feel like I have completely lost my bearings.

I feel like I have failed.

How could I, as a Christian woman, stand up for anything when the very base and backbone of my own life is in disarray!

I can't stop these tears from falling, both internally and externally (when my husband isn't looking). Lord help me!