Advice I Didn't Adhere To

1. When having a disagreement, take a breather, walk away.

2. In the heat of an argument, don't blurt out hurtful things, because you can't take them back

3. Do not raise your voice when having an exchange

4. Never go to bed angry

5. Never sleep in separate beds out of anger

6. Don't be hesitant to be the "bigger person" even when you know you are right

7. Don't harbor anger and resentment...let it go!

I have broken all seven of these genuine pieces of advice and am certainly reaping the benefits. I feel like my marriage is totally spiraling out of control and I have no way of getting it back on track.

As a Christian, prayer should be your first option. But I have not been able to do so. I have been finding it more and more difficult for me to pray, specifically about my marriage. Then in the midst of crying and feeling raw pain, I cry out to God saying, "Help me!" And then I start to feel guilty about calling on God to help me at such a time, when I haven't been able to pray to Him about this on a regular basis. Then my mind starts to veer into that dreadful place...the place that tells me that this is ALL a punishment---punishment for having pre-marital sex. I mean, what else could it be. My husband just told me yesterday that if it wasn't the fact that I allegedly "convinced" him to marry me when I found out I was pregnant, he wouldn't have done so. Could he have possibly said that out of simple anger? Could that be really lingering in his mind?

The thought of being with a person who really didn't want to be with me in the first place is unbearable! I am having visions of a miserable existence for the rest of my human life...

Why couldn't I just walk away...again?
What harm would there have been in my saying, "ok baby" and biting my tongue...again?
Why did I have to resort to calling him "hard headed" and "lacking in understanding"?
Why didn't I have the patience to not raise my voice in anger...again?
Why couldn't I have have simply "shrugged it off" and made love to him that night, rather than turn a cold shoulder?
Why couldn't I have simply been "the bigger person" and told him that he was right and I was wrong? I could have simply asked him to forgive me for getting upset!
Why couldn't I just let go?

The advice sounded simple enough. After each spat, I ask myself these questions and come up short every time! No one ever said, marriage was easy, but .... and I quiver as i right this... did it have to be this hard?

He didn't wear his ring today...again.

When my lunch hour had come and gone, and I noticed he hadn't called me, I called him and asked him, why he hadn't worn his ring. His reply: "I forgot". He then ventured to tell me we could talk about it later since he was so busy at work.

But later never came.

He came home very late and mumbled "bon soir" ("good evening" in French) to me. He then washed his hands, took the baby from me, and proceeded to play with our son, asking my 3 month old if he had a good day.

When I saw him brushing his teeth, I asked him if he had eaten and he said he ate at his mother's house. That was the last words he's spoken to me since.

This is so painful. I am trying to cope. I am trying to deal. I don't know which way to turn.

I came across the following verse today:
"It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel." Proverbs 20:3

Lord, why am I such a fool?