On Strike

I did something for the 1st time that I am now feeling totally guilty of! Yesterday, when I got off work, I met my sister for dinner at Rutgers, the college she currently attends. Since my husband didn't bother calling me, I didn't bother telling him I would be home late. He ended up getting home before me. And rather than doing what I usually do...running to prepare a meal for him to eat, I simply changed my clothes and hopped into bed. For that moment, I didn't care whether or not he had eaten. I didn't care if he was hungry. I didn't care if he was tired and had a long day. I felt so unappreciated the night before that I merely couldn't stand to lift a finger! But in the end, I felt so horrible...I felt SO wrong. He ended up frying eggs for dinner.

So the minute I stepped into the house today, I made two meals. One for him to eat immediately (and to bring to work) and one for tomorrow, in the event he were to get home early. I thought my not lifting a finger and being "on strike" for a day would be liberating. But it simply wasn't. It had the totally opposite effect.

He still isn't talking to me...despite my telling him, when he called me during my lunch hour, that I didn't like what was happening between us.

I continue to call upon the Lord to give me the energy, the patience, and the know-how to see this through. "Striking" simply won't do!

A Bad Day!

Oh the joys of having a BAD DAY! Yesterday was one of those days. To start it all off (after my husband totally ignored me before he went to work) I got a speeding ticket. The police in my neighborhood must have been having some sort of ticket blitz because these cops, who happened to be on foot, were simply pulling over car after car. When the one cop stopped me, he was in the process of signing off on another ticket. Not only can I not afford a ticket right now, I was in the process of thinking about changing my insurance carrier because I felt my premium was too high. Now with a moving violation, I'll never get a lower rate!!! I have no choice but to fight this ticket. While this cop has to meet his "quota", I cannot afford its consequences. This leads to one more thing I have to do - take a half day from work to deal with this nonsense!

Things have been so tough for me lately, and I feel this is the culmination of it all, especially with what feels like no support from my husband! Since he doesn't drive, I have to do all the shopping, picking up, and dropping off. It just gets so tiring when you are grocery shopping with a baby in tow and having to do so much alone. I am also mainly responsible for our finances, paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. I am constantly trying to juggle it all to keep our head above water. My husband simply doesn't seem to understand this at all. I have barely been able to keep us afloat lately. Money is getting tighter and everything from gas to groceries to baby formula is getting more expensive. It is just stressful, to be (what feels like) the only spouse who has to carry the burden of "trying to make ends meet".

Work is another stress factor. I was asked to assist in another location. Commuting to this branch alone is horrific, and actually having to undo a lot of the work that was haphazardly done there is challenging, to say the least.

I am still trying to master the art of being a full time mother, wife and employee. I didn't get out of the office until a little after 6:30PM. I ran to my mother's house, picked up the baby (who my sister had to go get for me since I was running late), grabbed some food for my husband and quickly drove home do some laundry for him, since he has been complaining he was running out of clean undershirts. I only had enough change to do one load. I thanked God the baby had fallen asleep. I ran and put him down, gathered my husband's clothes, grabbed the detergent and ran downstairs and out of the building into the laundry room. It didn't matter that he was acting so nastily towards me. I just feel as a wife, it is my duty to make sure my husband has clean undergarments, and a lack of it, is a poor reflection on me. A simple thank you would have brightened my day, but wasn't surprised when it didn't come.

Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, washing, changing diapers, feeding, balancing check books...aaaahhhhhhhhh!

Lord give me the strength to make it through each day. I am starting to get more and more exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. I am starting to have more and more "bad days"! Please do not let me drown in the burdens of life. It is your Word that tells me, "I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13) and your Word that tells me not to worry about life (Matt 6:25). Please help me to not merely know these verses and understand them, but to LIVE THEM!

Fatigue

I am literally tired!

Mentally, physically and emotionally tired!

Not to long ago, I was saying how things were on the up and up, but I realize this is one of those backward steps that we are taking right now!

My husband hasn't spoken to me since Sunday. Two days have already gone by. He was upset with me for something I said to him...something I consider to be a "slip of the tongue". On Sunday morning, he thought he would help me find an outfit for the baby to wear to church. He went into the closet and found the biggest suit, a size 3T that would fit a three year old (the baby is only 4 and 1/2 months) and came towards the baby with it. I asked him if he didn't happen to see how huge the suit was. It was like a knee jerk reaction. I hadn't intended on saying it out loud, knowing how sensitive my husband gets to things I say and takes everything as a personal attack of his character! But it was too late. He was already pissed.

He never stopped to tell me he was angry or that he didn't appreciate what I said, but it was already written all over his face and through is actions. He suddenly made the decision that he was no longer going to church. So I had to get the baby ready all by myself, bundle him up into the car seat, and lull the heavy car seat, baby bag, Bible, and everything else to church by myself.

That afternoon I had to purchase a play pen for the baby and go grocery shopping. I thought when I got back home, he would be here to help me bring it all up. He wasn't even home! Hadn't even bothered to tell me where he was going. So after dragging all of the heavy grocery bags, formula boxes, and the play pen upstairs, I was simply beat! I then proceeded to wash some of the baby's clothes and didn't stop until after my husband had come home a little close to midnight.

He didn't say good bye before he left, or speak to me during my lunch hour...all signs by now that he is really angry with me.

Measurements

Hmmm...it's been a while, since I've last written. Since this blog was mostly designed to release some of the frustrations I have been facing as a married woman, I suppose I haven't had the need to "release" lately because things between my husband and I have mostly been on the up and up. Yes, we've hit a few snafus from time to time, but I haven't experienced the stress that I wrote about not too long ago!

That lead me to thinking about how much progress we have made as husband and wife. What is progress? Does this mean that we have somehow passed the rocky stage that everyone speaks about? Have we emerged from the "rough waters"? It is difficult to measure that progress because for every few steps we take forward, I think we take a step or two back. I suppose when you are going through rough waters, the boat rocks back and forth and gets thrown from side to side before it actually gets anywhere! Hmmmm.....