At My Wits End

My husband's phone is disconnected. He seems to be in no rush to have it turned back on. So whenever I ask him why he hasn't called me, his reply is, "I don't have a phone." I suppose it is easier to come up with that, than to say, "I just don't want to speak to you."

I am sitting here at the computer, hand over forhead, mulling over this whole situation in my mind. I still can't seem to understand how I got here! Lord, where did I go wrong???

I am starting to dread going home.

At work, I think about having to go home to face my husband. I play different scenarios over and over in my head. Sometimes, the scenario is: Okay, today I'm going to wait until he walks into the door, pull him towards me and kiss him. Tell him that I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want to not speak to him anymore and tell him over and over how much I love him. Sometimes, the scenario is: Okay, once he walks into the door, bombard him with questions. Ask him if he missed me, if he thought about me today, if he is ready to put all of this behind us and start over...ask what he wants me to change to make things better. But often times, nothing comes to anything. I end up lingering at my mom's house with the baby until very late. I am now the one who is walking into the house at a later hour. Today, I knock on the door with the baby in tow and he opens it. I say, "Comment ou ye?" OR "How are you doing?" in Creole. He grumbles something unintelligible back to me and goes for straight for the baby, asking him how his day was instead. All the scenarios get tossed out of my mind...I can't bring myself to do any of them.

I put out the garbage today. My husband usually takes it out, but after seeing that he hadn't touched it in two days, I asked him to please put it out...especially after seeing a gi-normous bug that resembled a HUGE cockroach in the kitchen at around two o'clock in the morning as I was warming up a bottle for the baby. This was the first "creature" I've seen in our apartment since we moved here in December. My request managed to fall on deaf ears. Not wanting to have my apartment turn into a bug magnet, I took matters into my own hands and took it out myself.

I am so tired of this routine.

I don't know how much more I can take.

For better or for worse...in sickness and in health...'til death do us apart...these are the words I uttered as a vow before God, my family and friends.

Lord help me navigate my way through this storm, that I may uphold my commitment!