Today is officially the 3rd Anniversary of "why did I get married"? I am seriously contemplating that question: Why did I get married? It may be safe for me to say that I did so because I got knocked up and wanted to do what my family and church and everyone would think was the "right thing". I thought I loved him, but how could I have not seen the true "him", the guy who after marriage has treated me with such little care and respect?
When I honestly think about the past 3 years of my marriage, with the exception of the joy that children can bring to you, it has been the most miserable 3 years of my life. The periods of joy with my husband has been so few and far in between that it is rather difficult for me to come up with one instance as I type this.
On the eve of this new year and on our anniversary, our situation has not much changed. I changed jobs, currently working as a contractor for a major consumer health care and pharmaceutical company. It was a much needed change, as I was not able to make ends meet on my previous salary. He is still in school full time and unemployed, still as bitter as when this all started. We moved into a larger apartment in a better area, which we will most certainly need since I am expecting my 3rd child early next spring.
My 3rd child...hmmm...you'd think that in my situation, my husband and I didn't have relations. Well, if it was all up to me, we wouldn't. It has turned into a chore that I find absolutely no joy or satisfaction in. He stops being mean to me long enough to make sure his "needs" are met, only to slip right back into the same ogre that he is turning out to be more and more by the day. I find it to be very hypocritical, that the same man who spent the entire day without speaking with me or showing me any affection whatsoever, could turn into a hugging, touchy feely man in the evening as he lay in the middle of the night as if we were on good terms all along.
Whenever he needs money for his school or for anything else, he always comes to me like a dog growling at its enemy, to ask for it. I absolutely hate it!!! That is why I prefer he just goes ahead and takes whatever he needs, however reckless it is...even if it means that he takes the rent money or the car note money or whatever other necessary funds I had. That is why I gave him his own card to take as he needed without having to come to me (until I lost mine and we went back to sharing one card). But he is so bitter about having to come to me for anything that he is so hateful towards me whenever he asks for anything. Despite the fact that I have tried to make him feel as much as a man as I possibly can, he has trampled all over that notion and could care less.
So here we are on our 3rd wedding anniversary, and it is just another day, that either of us has not acknowledged. It is pitiful. We barely spoke more than five words to each other all day. What a sad place to be. What a sad place where you have no adult interaction in your home and the only conversations you have is with your one, two year old and unborn baby.
How much more of this can I take? How long can this go on like this? I have always been adamant against divorce and have been known to say in the past that it is something I could never and would never contemplate. However, when you are mentally divorced: in the same house, but living like strangers, isn't it already divorce? As a Christian woman, it is one of the worse things to even contemplate and I feel as if I have failed before God, my children, my family and my friends, but what is one to do? How broken, how alone, how diminished must I be before the unfathomable becomes a reality?
