THE ULTIMATE TURNING POINT

So a few days ago I noticed what I thought was a discrepancy in the months' cell phone bills, which I am usually responsible for distributing amongst my family who I share a family plan with. That prompted me to go into the usage of each cell phone line. In so doing I noticed that my husband was carrying on texting with several specific numbers throughout the day and at wee hours of the morning. I became very curious and decided to call those numbers to find out what was going on. Of course, no one actually picked up the phone lines, but the common thread among them all were that the voicemails were that of females.

So to make a long story short, I received the following text yesterday:

Texter: Hey, do I know you? I saw you called me

Me: Sorry, wrong #

Texter: Its okay...I cant help but ask, are you married to Gene by any chance?

Me: I am.

Texter: I dont want to be disrespectful but im a christian woman and im honest. I met your husband at work, he approached me as if he was single and as a woman I felt like I should tell you that hes been trying to get with me romantically/sexually. we talked outside of work once and nothing happened, he told me he was married and getting a divorce soon. But even still, i didn't want to put myself in that situation. So i left it at that. He hits me up on my phone but i avoid him. I just felt like i should tell u, even if it was true about the divorce. Its still wrong.

Me: Thank you for your honesty and candidness. I am actually recovering from a C-section with his 3rd child from last Monday. Also as a Christian woman, I sensed something has been very wrong with him. I hate that he put you in that situation but am happy God has given you the grace to go through it unscathed. God bless and thanks again.


I actually confronted him about this and he responded by saying that I was coming at him and not giving him a chance to speak (i.e. blowing smoke to avoid the line of questioning). He was stumbling and accusing me of already having made up my mind about what happened and that I certainly didn't think he was dumb enough to carry on something like this knowing I had access to his phone records. He claimed what I was saying was ultimately bogus. The more he spoke, the more it became difficult to believe him. At the very least, he should have been able to explain to me why he was having these back and forth texting conversations literally from 10AM or even with some of them as early as 5 in the morning until late into evening! Back and forth texting (and in some cases: actual phone calls) with these women! What were they saying to each other? Even on the evenings as I lay, unable to sleep due to intense labor pains, my husband was texting these women!

When I asked him how he would feel about my doing the same, his response was, "To be honest with you, I wouldn't care!"
What ultimate betrayal. When I told him how he has put me through so much crap the past 3+ years of our marriage, he claimed that everything was mutual. That I treated him as just as bad. REALLY? COULD HE HONESTLY SIT THERE WITH A STRAIGHT FACE AND SAY THAT?

This has been the ultimate breaking point for me. I feel like there is nothing left. I feel like our marriage vows have been soiled. I told him that we would have to take this before family, and/or our pastor, as there was nothing left for us to discuss. He wasn't providing me with straight answers and I felt as if we were going nowhere.

I am sitting here crying as I am writing this...once again crying. That's the theme of my life these days. I am tired from sleep deprivation, from once again shouldering responsibilities that my husband is oblivious to! My mother shouldn't be the one to take care of my children literally from sun up to sun down while my husband is "out and about" while I am healing from this C-Section. He should be here! He should be taking more responsibility...but he has failed and continues to fail at this.

I literally want to pack my children up and run away with them...run away from it all. I can no longer bear it. I can no longer bear the pain. This physical pain pales in comparison to the pain I have been suffering in this marriage.

What is left to hold on to? Lord help me find my way...I am utterly lost and cannot find my way!

Turning Point

It has gone from bad, to the absolute worse! My husband has proven to me that he could care less for the woman he calls his wife. He claims that I am some horrible woman who "lacks respect", "doesn't allow him to be a man", "treats him worse than anyone" and all these other things, that when I sit down to really think about, is simply excuses for him to treat me the way he does. I have NEVER known a man to treat a pregnant woman as my husband has treated me throughout all 3 of my pregnancies, and our marriage, for that matter. I almost laughed when people were in shock, asking me if "I still drive" or "still work" or "still go to BJs to go grocery shopping"! As pregnant as I was, my husband made me drive to work, while he sat in the passenger seat sleeping every morning!

I have come to realize that my husband cares about himself primarily, and then our children, secondary. It's always about his school, and his finishing this program, and his needing a car, and his needing this and his not having that! He is constantly complaining about what "he" doesn't have. And it is maddening...as the person who is trying to make ends meet...trying to keep our head above water...how selfish his attitude could become!

His own family comments to me about how he is always hanging out at their house, or out with friends, leaving me behind with the children! I had one of his friends' girlfriend comment to me about how he is "always around" without me and without the children, hanging out with the "boys" and how she couldn't understand how I managed to do so much alone! When I confronted him about it, he said that if he could stay away even longer, he would. That shows you just how much he cares!

Two weeks before I was due (to have our 3rd child), my husband said to me, "Did you file our income taxes yet?" "I NEED MONEY TO PAY FOR MY SCHOOL!" I was so thrown by the statement that I actually wrote it down! He needed money to pay for "HIS" school. I knew that, I was working on it by working overtime for several weeks, right up to the week that I had the baby. Nevermind our family would be out of income, nevermind we needed money to pay rent, purchase groceries, pay the car note. It was all about him once again!

So here we are present day. I had the baby almost two weeks ago, a precious baby boy! I had to endure pain like you wouldn't believe. Through the horrible labor pains and through the entire ordeal, my husband has almost never inquired about my well being. It was fitting that my mom was in the operating room with me as I underwent a 3rd C-Section in 18 months. When he came to the hospital, it was simply to see the baby...he didn't bother to ask how I was feeling, how I was coping with the pain.

I am now staying at my mothers' house, as a recovery would have been nearly impossible with a 2 year old and 18 month old child. Thank God for my mother, who has taken some time off of work to help me. My husband clearly does not care to do so. When he comes to visit, he plays with the children for brief while, mainly watches TV and barely utters more than 2 words to me.
Despite my trying to not let my family see what has been going on between us, it has become very evident to them that our relationship is strained and that my husband does not appear to care about my wellbeing.

We are most certainly reaching a turning point for the worst...

I CAN'T DEAL...

...with the plastic bag that was left on the floor after he put the milk and lettuce in the fridge.

...with the potholes he drives over EVERY single time knowing I am very pregnant and uncomfortable.

...with the cars that are constantly honking us because of his imprudent lane switches.

...with his glaring at me when I yelled, "watch out, you almost hit that pedestrian" when he was going full speed ahead at the old lady with the cart in the Shoprite parking lot.

...with the conversation he was having with his friend about how some "people" (code for "women") have the full package; not sure what the implications are for me, but coming from someone with a non-existent package, who is he to talk!

...with the diapers he throws all over the room, without placing it in the Diaper Genie, and then not bothering to empty the Diaper Genie the few times he actually puts a diaper in there.

...with how he is so oblivious to what gets cleaned, broomed, vacuumed or washed around here. I shouldn't be doing half of the things I'm doing so close to my due date.

...with his blatant disregard for the fact that I'm pregnant in the first place! Forget chivalry, this guy does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the way of putting in an extra hand where I can't.

...with how he takes his cell phone with him every where he goes. It has nothing to do with jealousy, as it does with the fact that he wonders why his cell conks out as often as it does and at his disregard at how he ALWAYS runs up our shared minutes, knowing he isn't contributing a cent to the bill!

...with how he always comes first...in his book, it's HE before SHE!

...with HIM. It's to the point where I don't care if he's here or not here...it really doesn't make a difference. I feel like a single parent 99% of the time anyway. All he does is mumble and grunt at me, we have no meaningful conversations and 99% of my interaction in the home is with my children.

When I give birth to this baby, I don't even care for him to be in the delivery room. He hasn't been here for me throughout this whole pregnancy, so there is absolutely no need for him to be in the hospital. I would much rather be there with people who actually care about me and my well being.

Simply put, I feel as if I can no longer deal!!!

A Super tall order

Sunday's sermon continued with the theme of God's love and how we ought to have this love towards one antoher. What a tall order when you are in a miserable marriage! He specifically spoke to married couples saying that as opposed to praying to ask God to change that person so they wouldn't treat you so bad, you ought to ask God to give you more love in your heart to be able to love that person so much that they are forced to change! What an even taller order!

So tonight, as I come home super duper exhausted from a long day's work, dropping off and picking up the kids from the sitter, walking into a house with a smelly garbage that hasn't been taken out in what feels like eons, and a dirty kitchen floor that my husband must think will mop itself, I pull out a bucket and a mop and with a huge belly and pain filled back, I take out the garbage and mop this floor as my husband enjoys a basketball game. I wouldn't even know how to begin that prayer to ask for more a bigger heart with more love.


Dear God...


Dear God...

Where do I begin...

Dear God...

Show me where to begin...

I call upon YOU to help me to pick up this broken down trodden heart of mine...so heavy and filled with sorrow, anger, resentment and dismay. Rather, fill it with Your overflowing love, which by my own accord would never come to be. FILL ME WITH YOUR LOVE...FILL ME WITH YOUR ABOUNDING LOVE...MAY MY HEART BE FILLED WITH YOUR LOVE..MAY MY HEART OVERFLOW WITH YOUR LOVE...

In Jesus' name I pray...

Lord help me!

Dying 1000 Deaths

People around me are often commenting on the fact that as a 7 and 1/2 month pregnant woman, I am doing way too much. I get the kids ready in the morning, pack their bags, take them to the sitter, go the opposite direction of my job to drop them off, drive to work and work really long hours, go past my exit on the Parkway on my commute back home to pick them up, load them into and out of the car, stopping by the supermarket to pick up groceries in between.

In addition to dealing with the children's discipline (which my husband isn't big on), the bills, the cleanliness of the house, assuring there is food (even if I have to pick it up from my mom's house for lack of time and energy), I often feel like a single parent who just happens to be married!

Tonight, I literally felt rage inside that wanted to bubble out. When I walked into our apartment, with my sleeping son in my arms and a few bags on my shoulder, you'd think he'd run up to me and take our son from me (sleep weight is like dead weight and I felt like I would lose breath with every step). But he just kept right on doing what he had started doing, which was to warm of food for himself, and I found myself struggling to take off my boots and make my way up the stairs to put our son down to sleep. What man ignores their pregnant wife struggling to carry their son up the stairs? I guess the same man who ignores their pregnant wife in all other aspects of her life.

I wanted to walk back down the stairs and hit him! I was so angry...so angry that I have to go through all of this...so angry that he is so oblivious - correction, so uncaring, about all that I am going through. What have I done to make him hate me to the point where he doesn't care about my well-being. How is it possible that I am in this situation????????

I have already resigned myself to the fact that I am in this alone...but the implicatioons of it, with a third child on the way are so unsettling that I break down inside and feel as if I'm dying 1000 deaths.

I feel like its a matter of time before I just pack up my kids and leave him here in this house alone. How much more of this can I take?

I feel so guilty that I am putting my unborn son through so much durress, but what am I to do! I feel like I'm at a point past talking to my husband...I simply don't know how to anymore. Everything I say to him, he completely takes the wrong way, blows out of context or simply ignores.

How do I come back from making the biggest mistake in my life?

Too good to be true

My husband said to me one night as we lay in bed that we had a third child on the way and with a growing family we couldn't live like two strangers in the house. He said that he apologized for anything that made us get to this point and that he wanted us to move beyond it. He said that it is a weak spiritual life that led "both of us" to this point and that we needed to get back on track. Well if that sounded too good to be true, that we were possibly turning a corner, then it really was! I'm thinking that convo came out more of a physical need that evening than an actual desire to make amends. Making amends would require an effort to make the situation better, not simply tolerating me. That is exactly how I feel...like I'm being "tolerated" - not loved, not cared for, not cherished - none of that. Simply, tolerated. And yet not even that...perhaps if I was being tolerated he'd show an iota of care for a full time working, 7 month pregnant wife who shoulders the bulk of the responsibility for providing for this family???

Lord help me!