Crushed!

Yesterday, in the heat of a dispute, my husband says to me, "If I were not a Christian man, I would divorce you." The daggers, didn't stop there. He continued with, "I didn't even want to marry you!"

"Why?" I shouted back, "Why did you marry me?". His reply: "I allowed you to play with my mind and convince me to do so."

I felt like I had just been hit by a roadside bomb filled with shards of glass, metal and everything that is capable of tearing through flesh straight to the heart.

Now I cannot be one-sided here. I did play a major part in the argument that led up to those words that cut deep through me like a double edged sword. He was upset at the fact I said he was "hard-headed" and that he lacked "understanding". I said this to him because he casually walks into my bedroom yesterday morning to tell me he had made an appointment with our attorney on the morning of September 30th...the same day as my sister's 21st birthday party...my sister, who is a lifesaver to us right now, babysitting our son on a daily basis for free while my mother is out of town. In essence, all I wanted to get through to him was that, before making the decision of making an appointment that I would have to drive him to (since he doesn't drive), he should have told me!!! He claims he did. He did tell me that he was calling the attorney, but he did not tell me it was to make an appointment in two weeks. Once again, I should have had the forsight to ask him what specifically he was calling the attorney for. But I did not. I didn't think it would lead up to this!

He hasn't worn his wedding band in over a week.

He caught the bus to church this morning.

Oh how my heart is filled with sorrow. If only they knew. If only the people who are constantly telling me how happy they are for me knew! If only my parents and sisters and beloved friends knew that the exterior ear-to-ear smile that is spread across my face only masks a deeply broken heart. If only they knew the hardships that I am facing in my marriage right now...an essentially new marriage, since we haven't even been married for a full 9 months yet.

How did I get here? How did I get to this place where I feel like an inadequate wife? I feel hated! I feel unloved!

I feel like I have completely lost my bearings.

I feel like I have failed.

How could I, as a Christian woman, stand up for anything when the very base and backbone of my own life is in disarray!

I can't stop these tears from falling, both internally and externally (when my husband isn't looking). Lord help me!