Hanging by a Thread

It's nearly a full year later! So much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same!

Our daughter was born this past October. This pregnancy felt much like the last in that I felt unsupported, unloved and emotionally disconnected from him. I really wish he had the opportunity to experience all of the rapid changes that my body was experiencing...AGAIN...less than a year from giving birth to our first child. Perhaps his experiencing some of what I was going through would help to enlighten him. But to be honest, the physical pain of another pregnancy and another C-Section is nothing compared to the emotional pain that has been steadily building inside of me. The tears that have fallen from my eyes in utter despair and sadness could have filled the Nile river time and time again. I thank God for allowing me to give birth to a healthy child despite the unhealthy situation that has surmounted me...a failing relationship, increasing financial woes in the midst of a recession that, for me, is far beyond economic. I am literally hanging by a thread and it feels like the fire is lit underneath me...

Our bickering has evolved into what I call complex pettiness! What I mean is that we end up not speaking to each other because of a petty issue that brings out deep, complex problems within our relationship. This last time, for example, he was on the phone with a friend, ONCE AGAIN handing out (above all things) RELATIONSHIP ADVICE! As he spoke on the phone, I generally ignored the bulk of his conversation until the guy on the other line told him that he believed to have found a "good woman who listens to him" (or in other words, is very obedient). My husband quickly followed with stern advice saying that he ought to be VERY careful. He told him that after marriage, the person you thought was so nice and sweet and obedient will then show her true colors and turn into a wicked woman (of sorts) who won't be satisfied with anything unless it is done her way! I couldn't help but to turn around and look at him. Had he experienced this phenomenon that he so fervently warned his friend? Was he warning him against the "wicked" likes of me? Why was he always warning his friends about the PERILS of marriage? Why have I never heard him ever advise his friends on anything positive about marriage? He thinks that just because he isn't saying my name, his friends won't know that what he is trying to say is to not mess up and end up in a bad marriage like him?

I was so filled with anger at the moment; I nearly broke. That's when I did it...I mumbled under my breath, "Mr. Marriage Expert is always handing out advice". He flew off the handle once he got off the phone stating he couldn't even speak around me and that I am even trying to control his conversations.

Does my husband think I am made out stone? Does he think I lack a heart? Am I not a woman who is all pretty and pink inside? Do I not feel?

And so it goes. We are like to strangers in this house. I cook, he eats. I make the bed, he lays in it. I go out with the children, he calls and says, "I'm only calling you to find out how the kids are". The phone rings, I sit there, he gets it and goes to another room.

A thread...a mere thread...